One of the things that’s hardest for me is the lack of control that cancer brings.
In a week I have my next meeting with my oncologist. We’ll go over my latest PSA, determined from a blood draw a couple days before. If I’m still responding to Lupron, my PSA will likely be between 10 and 20. If Lupron has started to fail, I presume it will higher, but I don’t know by how much. I have no reason to believe that the Lupron has failed, but it is a real possibility.
I tell myself to just stay positive and go with the flow.
Major fail today. It seems that even when I decide to be OK with something for the time being, it may not hold up. Anxiety can attack me out of the blue. Tonight at dinner I was so anxious that I couldn’t stop the nervous twitches in my legs – both of them were just jumping around more or less. I tried to time them to the music to be less obvious,, but found I could only do that with one leg. At the same time I was clenching my jaw so tightly that I thought I might break a tooth.
Normally, a drink or two is all I need to calm down my anxiety. Sometimes I take a Xanax. Tonight, five drinks had no impact whatsoever. When I got home I switched to Xanax.
I’m doing much better now. I realize that this is all about my fear that the Lupron has failed. When that happens it’s a big deal. AFAIK the remaining treatment options don’t work as well and they also fail in less time. Lupron failing is one big step closer to death. One big step closer to my health deteriorating to the point my ability to live life is more limited.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring; I may be fine or still fighting the anxiety. That’s the way it works with me.
Despite my inability to control the anxiety, I think I’m doing better at accepting my situation. I rarely feel any need or desire to cry. I just try to live one day at a time. If only I could control the anxiety.