I’ve been off the Abilify for a few days now. As you know from the prior post, the first day off was great. I’m now settling into a new normal. It sucks. At random times its almost impossible to not break down sobbing about nothing. With all the deaths and diseases surrounding me, I’m struggling to keep perspective.
Going out with folks is a mixed bag. Much of the time I’m pretending to be involved, interested, and even happy. I think on balance it’s probably better than being alone, but that’s just for me. I question the value of my attendance for the others there. This is a two way street after all. I canceled out on a get together tonight with the guys. Just felt that I’d be a net negative.
There are times I briefly feel bad about all my complaining in this blog, but then I remind myself this is primarily for others with cancer. I hope sharing my struggles and pain helps lighten their load. Plus, it isn’t always bad stuff. I try to keep a balance in the blog that’s reflective of the balance in my life.
My attempts at getting a QEEG appointment have been a bust so far. The first doc is booked til July. The second won’t return my calls (this has been an ongoing problem for me for years, do these docs ever pay any attention to the competency of their front office?).
The lack of responsiveness doesn’t really matter at the moment. I’ve decided to get a real psychiatrist involved before making a final decision. My primary care physician has been incredible, but I think this is getting too complicated.
Then there’s the continuing stress related jaw problems I’m having.
From time to time I fantasize about what I want. Right now it’s just to be happy a couple of hours a day, to not have almost uncontrollable urges to start sobbing randomly descend upon me, and to have no jaw pain. It’s OK if I still have cancer. I’ve accepted that.
Saw the oncologist today. As expected, the sole focus of the discussions was my depression. As the preceeding portions of this post make clear, my depression is anything but under control. He encouraged me to continue exercising, which i agreed to. But that doesn’t change the current state of my depression. So for at least one more month we will do absolutely nothing to control, contain, or impede the growth of my prostate cancer. He was at least reassuring that my “disease burden” is low and so we can wait without it being a major problem. I cant help but wonder if that’s said just for my benefit…