Last Thursday I returned to Texas. My wife and I had driven out to Florida with Julia, our French bulldog. My wife’s mother passed away recently and we went there so my wife could go through all the personal effects with her brothers and start to get the house in shape to sell. (This was where Julia started and ended her swimming career – see the prior post.) It turned out to be a bigger job than anticipated and she decided to stay behind, while I returned for a doctor’s appointment on Friday (that I couldn’t move for a variety of reasons).
It was very strange being home totally alone. I realized that it’s been over 20 years since I was at home without my wife or a dog for company. It was surprisingly lonely. I’ve traveled alone for business many times, and it never bothered me, but somehow this was different.
Friday came and I went to the psychiatrist. We discussed how the adderral was starting to fail. My body seems to be building a tolerance rather quickly. Instead of increasing the adderral, he doubled the anti-depressant I’m taking. Unfortunately, it may take weeks before we know if that works. If not, then it’s starting over again, each iteration taking weeks. Sigh.
Over the last two months the character of my depression has changed. I used to be able to tell if it was from the casodex, fear of my cancer, or my historical depression issues. Now they all blend and I can’t tell where it’s coming from. This makes it harder to fight. It does always pass, though, and I feel pretty good the majority of the time.
Saturday was a bad day. I think being alone contributed to the feeling that I’m surrounded by death. My dog Gladys, died from cancer recently, my mother-in-law died about the same time, and our other dog, Julia, was diagnosed with digestive problems and isn’t expected to make it past the end of the year. The time in Florida was also tough. I wasn’t all that close to my mother-in-law, but it was hard watching her children, all very good people, grieve as they went through her stuff.
On Sunday, and since then, I’ve felt quite good. My wife is now back home, along with Julia. Before long we go to Las Vegas for a friend’s wedding. Elvis will be the minister and he’ll even sing for us, no kidding! Attending an Elvis weeding is one of those things you want on your bucket list, but don’t put it on because it’s sooo unlikely you’ll be able to do it. This is going to be cool.