I’m not sure why this last increase in PSA and the prospect of more scans has me so freaked out. Sometimes I feel as if I’m about to lose it. I guess I’m not a good candidate for knowing much about my impending death. I read a variety of other people’s blogs and none of them seem to have anywhere near as much trouble keeping their anxiety under control as I do.
Perhaps I’ve been in denial all along and this set of circumstances is finally greater than my ability to deny, but that doesn’t feel right. I saw the image with the cancer spots and the radiation aperture drawn on it clearly enough. It sure felt real at the time and scared the hell out of me.
Maybe this time it’s the speed. My PSA was so low on casodex after the radiation treatment. Now it’s right back where it was before treatment started, the treatment was pure hell, and I was only off casodex for about a month and half.
What seems the hardest is the feeling of being so powerless and alone in dying. I have no reasonable hope for remission, so there’s no “focussing my hope” on that outcome. By alone I mean we all die alone, no one goes with us. I’m very, very lucky to have a wife who is wonderful and does a great job being available. It’s hard for her too. All she can do is watch, be with me, and offer to listen to me. She can’t make it go away. Ultimately, I’m the one who has to get control of the situation as best I can. The emotions are just so overwhelming. I started this blog to share my experiences. Right now it feels more like I’m documenting an ultra-slow motion train wreck where I die at the end.
Distraction, such as reading the news, writing these posts, or talking with folks sometimes helps, but even then the anxiety comes in waves. As I come to the end of this post, a wave of anxiety is starting to hit me. What do I do next?