The Lupron side effects have finally stopped – at least until the next shot. I have to move up the next shot to time it with a cruise we’ll be taking, so this go round I’m only going to get about 5 Lupron-free weeks. Regardless, they’re wonderful. I almost feel like I did over a year and a half ago, before the Stage IV diagnosis.
The other day I was talking with some friends about future technology advances and one of them said a particular advance would probably occur in his lifetime. It hit me that his lifetime is likely to be 30-40 years more, but for me it’s 3-7 years. I love technology and am an avid gadget collector. One of things that’s hard is knowing I’m going to miss out on all kinds of cool inventions. Part of the reason it’s hard is my life has always been very future oriented, living in the future tense.
Being future oriented provided lots of good things when I was in the workforce. Someone who automatically considers the future effects of decisions and can take steps to help ensure the “best” outcome occurs has a highly valued set of behaviors in corporate America. This future planning bent also helped ensure my retirement nest egg was well funded.
Unfortunately, a reliance on long term planning skills to get through life fails miserably when one has only a relatively short time to live. Looking over the various blogs I follow, it’s clear the folks in my situation who are the most focussed on the present tense are the happiest. The shrinks tell me that’s the case as well.
When I was first diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, I thought I’d just plan my way through it. Turns out that cancer can unfold in many, many different ways as the disease progresses. It’s not at all like dealing with customers or corporate hierarchies. It’s far more complex. So I have to try to just accept what is and be OK with whatever happens.
This continues to be very hard for me. I desperately want to take control and plan my way out, but that can’t happen. I am making progress on living in the present, but it’s slow. I sure wish there was a class for it.