After my last post I decided I needed to post the next time I felt really good. Fortunately, it wasn’t that long. The last week has been very typical of the end of the Lupron effect for me. Sunday and Monday were absolutely terrible, then suddenly Wednesday and Thursday were quite good, at least in the evenings. That seems to be a recurring theme, Pre-evening is iffy and the evenings are much better. Today, Thursday, I wound up taking Xanax to help me sleep through the afternoon, and awoke to a really good evening.
Despite my cancer I feel incredibly lucky. I managed to live the American dream. After my father’s death when I was 7, my mother and I were thrown into financial chaos. For over ten years we lived below the poverty line, although I didn’t know it t the time. It was just the way life was as far as I was concerned. At one point it looked like we’d have to move into government housing, the projects, but my grandmother had some land with timber on it that a company wanted to buy and it saved us, as well as, providing funds for my college education (supplemented by numerous loans from the University). I graduated, got a great job at Texas Instruments and moved up the corporate ladder. Eventually, I married and my wife and I started a software business that served the Department of Defense and the National Cancer Institute. We were able to retire early with enough money to live comfortably. As I said, I have been incredibly lucky.
As I was transitioning into retirement, The Stage I cancer diagnosis came. By the time I was almost fully retired, the Stage IV diagnosis came. It’s now almost 2.5 years later. We’ve traveled a lot, bucket list kinds of trips, but Lupron has been a consistent problem. Timing trips so I’m not affected by Lupron has been pretty much impossible.
I don’t know what to do about Lupron. On the one hand, it is unquestionably extending my life, but we don’t know by how much. On the other hand, I feel horrible 25-50% of the time. The depressions are often so bad that I pray for a brain aneurism to end it all.
Enough history, right now I feel great. The Lupron has subsided and a cocktail or two tonight has enhanced my view of life that much more.
I want to thank all my followers for your support. Your likes, comments, and encouragement mean the world to me. I suspect that one of the reasons I’m more inclined to post when I’m under Lupron’s spell is to get your support. It helps so much in helping me to get past the low points.
The future. It scares me. At this point it’s mostly fear of the pain that is waiting for me. The docs tell me that there are very powerful painkillers and I’ll be OK, but I still have my doubts. I take comfort in knowing that there is an option to put me in a chemically induced coma until I die. If the painkillers fail, that’s what I want.
I haven’t gotten to the point where I am scared about being dead. I may not get there at all, but I’ll certainly be more apprehensive at the very minimum. I’ve been reading the books about people who “died” and were brought back to life in the hospital. There are so many cases of this I find it hard to brush off. It also helps that I really like the experiences they report. I figure if this doesn’t happen, then when I die that’s it.
Thank you for your support!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your history. Glad you’re feeling good. Enjoy this time to recharge the batteries! Spot on about the ‘future’ part. I hope you have a good psycho-oncologist in your team. I find they can make a big difference.
I wholeheartedly agree about the value of a psychologist on the team. I have a great one. He’s helped me immeasurably.
Glad to hear you find your followers supportive. I often feel my comments must sound so useless in the face of your troubles. But even if they are, I feel better saying something rather than saying nothing. So you can look forward to more platitudes! Meanwhile, enjoy the up time!
Keep ’em coming! I always look forward to your comments.
glad to hear you’re doing better today. Hang in there.
Thanks! At least I don’t have a major remodel to deal with.
We will miss you for the 500 weekend. take care of yourself- Vickie and Paul
We’ll miss you too and miss seeing the race, but it just wasn’t meant to be this year.
In addition to needing to update my own blog, I need to catch up with my favorite ones that I follow, as well. I enjoyed reading about your history and life before cancer and I am glad that life has provided material comfort for both you and your wife, although how devastating to begin to cope with illness right when you were able to retire early.
I can’t even begin to pretend to understand what fear must come up when you are depressed and the reality of the situation hits you, but even if I am holed up in my own depression I find myself wondering how you are doing and hoping that the Lupron is working and that you are on an upswing.
What an incredibly nice note. You made my day! It’s heartening to know I’m on your favorite sites list. You certainly are on mine. It’s be quite awhile since we’ve heard from you.
I got my last Lupron shot a little over a week ago. This go round it’s causing depressions and anxiety from the time I wake up until about 7 pm. Your note really is helping today. I don’t feel nearly as bad as I have the past few days. I seriously question if I’m going to be able to stay on Lupron. I’m a couple months away from making that decision though.
I loved reading your story and I echo Planet Bananas in that you are at the top of my list on blogs that I need to catch up on whenever I can grab the time for it. As a matter a fact, knowing that you read my posts and comment or like them, is often on my mind when I am writing a post, I write for your ear, so to speak!
Keep the updates coming, ups and downs and in betweens. Cheers!
Thank you very much. I do find your posts familiar, enjoyable, and easy to read.