Six weeks has passed since my last lupron shot. As you recall, usually the first week is benign; weeks 2-4 somewhat troublesome with anxiety and low level depression; and weeks 5 and 6 full of heavy depression. This go round, weeks 5 and 6 were considerably different. Only one day was particularly bad. That’s great news, but I wish I knew why it happened that way, so I could replicate it. Really, it’s very unsettling to never know if I’ve found a solution or not. Part of me says take the good things you get and just be happy. The truth is the days of heavy depression are terrible. I just want to find something so there are none of them. Is it diet, counseling, self talk, adapting to the lupron, the new 10 week overall schedule, or just random results. I’ll probably never know.
I feel as if I’m doing a better job handling my likely very premature death. For some reason just knowing I’ll die eventually under any circumstance helps. That my death will probably be more than two decades before natural causes would take me isn’t so disturbing, because of all the people I’ve seen turn into barely living shells. Mostly dead, but still hanging on with little or no purpose or awareness. I tell myself that at least my death will probably be orderly and controlled. The Hospice types assure me I’ll die painlessly if that’s what I want. What I’ll give up is awareness and being “present”. At least right now, I think I want to die painlessly, even if it is in a fog. Who knows, though, I might decide that having some awareness to say goodbye is worth some pain. Fortunately, these are not decisions I need to make now.
This may all seem a bit premature. Lupron is still working, side effects and all. I have no bone pain, and the cancer hasn’t metastasized beyond my bones to a vital organ. But my experience with others who had cancer is that things can change very rapidly, and once the cancer gets going, things are over fairly quickly. I feel I need to spend some time, not much right now, thinking about the decisions I’ll face. I want to be at least marginally prepared to respond before I’m overtaken by the disease.
Enough unpleasantness, I’m entering into the last 4 weeks of the 10 week cycle of lupron injections. They’re generally pleasant, so I’m hoping for some good times.