It seems my fairly well established pattern of Lupron effects fading substantially six weeks after the injection has ended. This last week, week 7, has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Depressions that once started in the afternoon, but could be resolved by taking some Xanax and sleeping it off are mostly gone. Instead I have depressions that start in the early afternoon and torture me until I am finally so exhausted I collapse at night – even then fearing what awaits me when I wake. I am so ready and wiling to die. This isn’t a life.
I suspect many people find it very difficult, if not impossible, to imagine my depression. What could it be like? For me and I suspect most others in my situation, there are 2 elements: the past and the future. The past is the sum collection of everything “wrong” about me mostly from screwed up childhood stuff I incorrectly labeled as proof of my worthlessness – with great help from my parents. The future is the literally true nature of how hopeless things going forward “may be” (but in this state of depression I assume they “will be”).
In fighting the elements of the past, it’s all about convincing myself that those are inappropriate perceptions of a child driven by imperfect parents. I feel as if I’m doing a pretty good job of that. Fighting the future means trying to live in the moment, at least until the moment becomes unbearably painful. In this regard, I’m falling woefully short. I suffer from no direct cancer pain, only these Lupron induced depressions. The depressions produce enormous fears of how bad the pain and hopelessness can and will likely be. Oftentimes it’s hard to imagine that an early death wouldn’t be a more humane result. I find myself praying for a quick death, such as by a brain aneurism or at least something like kidney failure (a very good way to go I’m told).
The doctors all tell me the drugs can control the pain. The things I read in the press don’t jive with this at all. I’ve yet to read even one story where the drugs took away all the patient’s pain, and they talk about a blissful, untroubled period. I guess this could be that they live a horrible life nearly up to the end, have a pain free period, and then die before they recount anything about it.
In the near term I hope somehow, someway to get control of this Lupron depression. In the longer term I fear all my concerns are, in fact, right on target.
Right now the truth is that all I have is week 8. Hopefully, it will be more forgiving.