Elvis is Coming

Last Thursday I returned to Texas. My wife and I had driven out to Florida with Julia, our French bulldog. My wife’s mother passed away recently and we went there so my wife could go through all the personal effects with her brothers and start to get the house in shape to sell. (This was where Julia started and ended her swimming career – see the prior post.) It turned out to be a bigger job than anticipated and she decided to stay behind, while I returned for a doctor’s appointment on Friday (that I couldn’t move for a variety of reasons).

It was very strange being home totally alone. I realized that it’s been over 20 years since I was at home without my wife or a dog for company. It was surprisingly lonely. I’ve traveled alone for business many times, and it never bothered me, but somehow this was different.

Friday came and I went to the psychiatrist. We discussed how the adderral was starting to fail. My body seems to be building a tolerance rather quickly. Instead of increasing the adderral, he doubled the anti-depressant I’m taking. Unfortunately, it may take weeks before we know if that works. If not, then it’s starting over again, each iteration taking weeks. Sigh.

Over the last two months the character of my depression has changed. I used to be able to tell if it was from the casodex, fear of my cancer, or my historical depression issues. Now they all blend and I can’t tell where it’s coming from. This makes it harder to fight. It does always pass, though, and I feel pretty good the majority of the time.

Saturday was a bad day. I think being alone contributed to the feeling that I’m surrounded by death. My dog Gladys, died from cancer recently, my mother-in-law died about the same time, and our other dog, Julia, was diagnosed with digestive problems and isn’t expected to make it past the end of the year. The time in Florida was also tough. I wasn’t all that close to my mother-in-law, but it was hard watching her children, all very good people, grieve as they went through her stuff.

On Sunday, and since then, I’ve felt quite good. My wife is now back home, along with Julia. Before long we go to Las Vegas for a friend’s wedding. Elvis will be the minister and he’ll even sing for us, no kidding! Attending an Elvis weeding is one of those things you want on your bucket list, but don’t put it on because it’s sooo unlikely you’ll be able to do it. This is going to be cool.

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Julia’s Olympic Dream Ends

My wife and I were with Julia, our French bulldog, in a backyard that Julia wasn’t familiar with. Julia is nearly blind, so we give her auditory cues to help with navigation (put a collar on her and she just sits). It was fairly late – we were out there so Julia could “do her business” and we could all go to bed.

We plopped her down in the middle of the backyard and waited as she trolled around the yard. She got near the edge of the yard, we called her back, and she promptly came to our voice as always. Before long she was back at the edge of the yard and we called her back again. For the first time ever, she decided to take a detour to the left first and stumbled headlong into the deep end of the swimming pool.

I’d heard that an English bulldog’s head is so heavy that they can’t swim, they just sink. That thought crossed my mind as I was running the 4 feet or so to the pool’s edge. I also thought, Julia’s a French bulldog, not English, and very strong, I’ll bet she can swim freestyle as well as Michael Phelps.

Within a couple of seconds I was poolside watching Julia sink headfirst, making absolutely no effort to swim or anything. She was just frozen, sinking. The scene from the end of the Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio is dead, sinking into the Atlantic flashed through my mind. As I grabbed her rear legs and pulled her out, I was in a panic.

Out she came and we put her on her feet. Apparently, she managed to get a full breath of air before she went under and took on no water at all. In fact she was fine, and acted as if the whole thing was planned as a way to cool her off.

And that was the end of her Olympic ambition as a freestyle swimmer.

Mixed News

I’m a little late with this news.

I find that when I’m feeling particularly good or bad, it’s easy to compose posts. Otherwise, it’s often hard to generate the energy to write something. Monday and Tuesday provided mixed news and the rest of the week provided little motivation to write. It’s either a sense of guilt or a desire for completeness that drove me to finally write this post. My apologies.

On Monday I saw the oncologist for our bi-monthly meeting. I gave him a copy of my medical directive info, including an addendum that describes in more detail when I want a Do Not Resuscitate, or DNR, applied. Apparently, I want a DNR applied earlier than most, as he commented I seemed very pessimistic. I have to admit I was surprised. When it’s clear the end is near and no more than pain/heavy sedation is in my future, a DNR makes sense to me.

We then started talking about bone pain and when I might likely start to experience it. He said it can’t be predicted, but the good news is it might not happen at all. This was much appreciated – I’ll keep hoping I remain bone pain free.

I told him another of the potential side effects of Casodex had surfaced, very tender breasts. Any moderate pressure on my breasts produces a sharp pain. About 30% of the men who take Caosdex experience this and/or breast enlargement. (So far I haven’t had any enlargement issues.) I asked if there was anything we could do to reduce the side effect, which right now is yet another inconvenience, but tolerable. The short answer was no. The longer answer was it might get much worse, so that it’s intolerable, and then surgery is the only generally accepted option, but the surgery might not fix the problem. Great. A hot flash hit me right when he said “surgery” and then built until he finished with “might not fix the problem”. The prospect of this growing into intolerable, incurable pain scares the hell out of me.

My distress must have been very obvious, because after that he became more positive about my future than he’s ever been. Suddenly, he was hopeful that the Casodex might continue to work for 50 or even 100% longer than on average. I felt better at the time, but later realized there were no tests or any other new data since the last visit to warrant any change in opinion. It was nice he noticed and reached out, though.

We briefly discussed Zytiga, an existing prostate cancer drug now being used earlier in treatment than originally proposed. It sounds as if I would go on it after Casodex fails and before chemo. Preliminary results show up to an 18 month life extension. Very good news.

On Tuesday I called to get the results of my latest PSA test – 0.45. Good news, the Casodex continues to work.

A couple hours later my wife returned from the vet. It turns out our one remaining french bulldog, Julia, is having trouble absorbing proteins from her food. She’s an old girl, and the bottom line is we’ll be lucky if she makes it through the end of the year. At least she’s alert, eats well, is happy, and not in pain. Still, it hurts my heart.

Gladys Died

Last night Gladys, our French Bulldog, died peacefully in her sleep from cancer. Regrettably we weren’t with her as we’re in Jacksonville FL for my mother-in-law’s funeral.

Gladys was a great friend and sweet little dog.

Lisa and and I are both doing OK. We’ve pretty much become numb to everything.

Gladys Gets a Death Sentence

So much for the expectation that after our french bulldog’s cancer surgery that she had a 90% chance of being cancer free. That was just a little over a week ago. Turns out it metastasized to her lymph nodes and now she has a couple months at best. There’s no treatment, but she’s not in pain. We just wait until she stops eating and drinking to know when it’s the end.

What can I say? I’m already missing her. I’m stunned, angry, and very, very sad. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like this is all planned. A cycle of bad news followed by good news followed by worse news, etc. I’ll leave you with a couple pictures of her.