It’s my second birthday and Christmas since I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. Pretty soon it will be the second New Year too.
Last year I wasn’t sure if I’d see any of the holidays this year. We hadn’t established how aggressive my cancer was at that point. Now we’re pretty sure it’s not particularly aggressive, so it appears I’ll likely see a few more Christmas holiday seasons. Exactly how many no one knows.
I do know I haven’t yet come to terms with my cancer, which really means my death. How? When I think about this birthday, Christmas, and New Year, there’s no feeling of being grateful to be able to experience it. Finding happiness, contentment, or peace seeing these milestones come and go is hard. Instead I find myself fighting back feelings of being a marked man wondering when the other shoe will drop – the time when I know my last birthday, Christmas, and New Year are upon me. Then I get concerned about not staying positive enough, that my negative feelings are going to hasten my demise. Fortunately, I’m able to regain control pretty easily, but it’s still unsettling and a clear indicator to me that I have a lot of work to do with this acceptance thing.
There are no surefire ways to get there and that worries me. I guess I’ll just keep pushing and see what happens.